Loneliness
I don't know how to fix it, that's the truth.
There's no fix, no matter what I do, that monster always finds the way back to my heart. Maybe it's not the quality of my relationships maybe it's a deeper more corrosive sickness.
I give up.
My monster wins, and she is my friend now.
Maybe this feeling comes from an obsessive need for belonging and connection, it's painful, I get hurt most of the time and I waste a lot of fucking time with the people around me.
I'm tired of wearing this mask and making such a big effort for everyone, I say the truth when I say nobody outside my family cares about me that much.
Hope I don't delete this, even if my feelings change, because this dumb dynamic has to go, I have a lot of things I want to do before I leave this world, and people right now are causing me more pain than relief.
Hope I find peace, without making a huge mess this time.
Today someone made me remember there are good people.